A little drabble inspired by having far too many (that is, all of them) Epic Rap Battles of History stuck in my head for the past several days, set in the context of an Equestria that had been transported to Earth around 1970ish.
"As with many things in human culture, the rap battle found new life inside Equestrian popular culture, owing to its wide viewership across the Equestrian part of the internet. However, as with most human creations, it has been altered and appropriated, changed to suit Equestrian views on life.
Where the human rap battle is a collection of insults, carefully crafted to whittle down an opponent and humiliate them in front of an audience, the Equestria rap battle is intended to build friendships and harmony through meticulously constructed compliments and acknowledgements of a person’s accomplishments and positive qualities. Rather than tearing someone down because of some aspect of their person—Equestrians in particular frown upon homophobia and sexism present within human rap battles—the purpose is to make an opponent blush so hard and feel so overwhelmed with positive thoughts that they forfeit to give their victorious opponent a hug and/or a kiss. Or, failing that, at the very least make the audience choose a clear victor.
One of the most famous—or infamous, as the case may be—Equestrian rap battles was between Pinkie Pie and Princess Twilight Sparkle, where Pinkie Pie’s combined use of alliteration, rhyme, and appeal to Twilight’s sense of organization and literary interests wooed Princess Twilight to the point that she dropped her mike, grabbed Pinkie in her hooves, and asked to repair to her library immediately. Though they did not emerge for several days, the rumors that Pinkie and Twilight were treated in the hospital for exhaustion are greatly exaggerated.”
Twilight, Look! Little Pinkie life story.
The birth of the mini Pinkie was, perhaps, Twilight’s greatest magical error. Though to be fair, she never could have predicted that one of the dozens of Pinkie clones returned to the magical aether that birthed them was, in fact, not dissolved, but shrunk to a miniscule state and banished into the Everfree. And it is not Twilight’s fault that, without the other clones draining their shared mind, the Pinkie was wholly sapient. It isn’t Twilight’s fault that said Pinkie will only live for a month, and has spent twenty-nine of those thirty days desperately trying to survive as she made her way from the forest to Twilight’s bedroom inside the library.
It’s not Twilight’s fault. At least, that’s what she tried to tell herself, as she gazed at the diary of the mini Pinkie, so small she needed a magnifying glass to read the pages, while the mini Pinkie clutched a thimble of water in her shaky, elderly hooves on the nearby table. Each page brought a fresh pang of regret, a new stab of pain to Twilight’s heart, as the tone, at first hopeful, grew vengeful and hateful. Many days were full of wild scribblings about how the mini Pinkie would make Twilight pay for her suffering, only to be scratched out with little passive-aggressive apologies written in the margins. And yet as Twilight reached the last few pages of the diary, her heart rose a tad as the tone of the diary did.
And on the last page, Twilight beheld just eight words:
"I don’t blame you, Twilight. I love you."
Twilight’s magnifying glass clattered to the floor. She gulped, and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Pinkie…”
The mini Pinkie set down her thimble and smiled up at her. “Yes?”
Twilight set a hoof on the table, and sniffed, as tears came to her eyes. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”